I Want To Be Everything Until I Didn’t
Years ago — back when I was young and green, whenever people asked me “what are the things that you dreamed about?”. I’d confidently come up with answers.
Author, a barista in my self owned cafe along with the bookstore next to it, even president of a state — such a bold answer, yes. The world felt so wide, so many possibilities, so many chances. There was no such thing as “too many dreams.”
But, then the reality sets in.
The world that once felt like a limitless sky filled with clouds and the stars started to shrink into boxes. University applications. LinkedIn bios. Internships with titles I couldn’t pronounce. Job that couldn’t even afford the bills.
And one day, I stumbled across the same question.
What do you want to be?
For the first time, I wasn’t sure I had an answer for it.
I used to think politics was my path.
I want to make changes. The one that matters. For the greater good. Purposeful. Prestigious.
That is the moment where I applied to my current university, taking the major in Public Administration. My Imagination went wild. Policy meetings, decision making, working with people, and collaborating to make a better future for the nation.
But the more I stepped into that world, the more I realized I liked the idea of politics more than the day-to-day reality. It’s exhausting. Pretentious. A tool for certain people — later to be used for their own gain. Suddenly, politics didn’t look so interesting. It’s bland, papers and black ink on it — filled with nothing, but empty promises.
Then I tried something completely different — business and sales. At first, it was just a detour, a temporary experiment. A side income. But instead of feeling like I was settling, I began to feel alive. Motivated in a different way. I saw how people made decisions, how relationships were built, how creativity mattered in unexpected places. Something clicked.
And that confused me even more.
The problem wasn’t that I had no options — it’s that I had too many.
I kept asking myself: What if I choose the wrong one?
What if I commit to something, and it turns out I’m not as good at it as I hoped? What if I’m good at something — but never really master it?
I started saying yes to everything. Every project, every chance to contribute. I was eager to prove I could handle it all, hoping that somewhere in the doing, clarity would find me.
But all it did was exhaust me.
I wasn’t exploring anymore. I was stretching myself thin trying to prove that I could be everything, do everything, fit everywhere.
Then at one random midnight, I just got this illumination.
Not because of wise advice or a grand epiphany — but in a quiet, tired conversation with a close friend in this small room chat. I told her about the opportunity I had just turned down — a project that would’ve looked amazing on my resume, but came at the cost of long hours, no weekends, and more stress than I was willing to carry. Moreover, my physique has its own limit. It reminds me that I am just a human made from limbs and bones.
I just gave up a once in a lifetime opportunity and yet instead of regrets, it was relief that I felt.
I have come to this realization. Maybe I wasn’t weak for turning down ambition. Maybe I was wise for recognizing what I needed: space, rest, and something that felt real — not just impressive.
This is the moment where I chose something. Not everything — just one thing.
Not because it was perfect. Not because I was 100% sure.
But because it felt honest and necessary.
More importantly, I chose me. I chose to put my health and sanity over anything. Clarity over chaos. I started prioritizing my energy, my peace — over the endless chase of “more.” I stopped trying to impress everyone and started trying to take care of the version of me that was quietly asking for gentleness — to be slightly kinder not to anyone, but myself.
And strangely, it didn’t feel like a loss.
No, I don’t believe I’m done becoming. I know that I still have more pages to unveil.
I still carry those dreams in my back pocket — the writer, the barista, the president. Maybe they’ll come back in different forms, or they won’t. But I’m learning to trust the version of me that’s here now. Focused. Rooted. Enough.
And I have come into the conclusion:
You don’t have to be everywhere and everything all at once.
You don’t have to prove your worth through endless productivity or a packed routine where you barely can catch your breath.
You just have to listen closely to what’s calling you — and be brave enough to follow it.
Even if it means letting go.
Even if it means becoming smaller, quieter, simpler.
Because sometimes, growing means narrowing. Focus on what matters.
And sometimes, choosing yourself over ambition is not giving up — it’s a little act of kindness towards yourself.
Now, it is time for you to answer the question.
What do you want to be?
Without the years of journey and extraordinary experiences, I wouldn’t be here — the current path that I walk on.
The University State of Yogyakarta, it’s not just a place where I learn from books and papers. Yet, it’s the key of so many doors with a lot bigger possibilities.
LindungiHutan who has been giving me the opportunity to be one of their interns for the past several months. In here, I surprisingly did not just meet a co-worker. But, I also made a friend out of it.
All of my dearest friends, the one who listens to my midnight rambles and helps me out through my darkest moments.
I’m gracefully thankful for every chapter of my journey along with the people in it.
