Is There Any Guidelines For Grief?
I have a bad habit. I used to ‘postpone’ things, especially when it comes to replaying text. Like earlier today, I’m aware that my mom has been texting me since I’m living miles away from her. I didn’t reply to her, at least not immediately. I was busy preparing for my upcoming class, it is not a justification. But, my ambitious and perfectionist ass didn’t understand the importance of being a fast-responsive one. So, I delayed it. I only read her messages through the notification bar and left it hanging there.
“I’ll do it later”
I attended the class like usual, then I got bored in the middle of it. It’s an online class. Checking some unread messages will not be a sin. It won’t hurt or so I thought. I look up to my mom’s room chat, it’s not hard to find it, always on top of the list. I read it one by one. She sent me some Facebook links that she found, typical Asian mom. A few questions “Are you doing well?” “Have you bought some food for Iftar?”. A normal conversation between mother and daughter. I kept scrolling through the text then I found the first text she sent me this morning.
“Ucil died last night…”
Ucil is one of my cats. I don’t get it. How come? Why? A lot of question marks. The last time I saw him, he was healthy and chonky. No signs of sickness or anything. He was healthy as a big-fat lazy cat.
My mom didn’t reply to my text. I need to get answers. So, I turned off my camera and called her immediately. One question slipped out, “What happened?” I could hear my mom’s voice cracking.
She didn’t know what happened. He loves to go outside, around the neighborhood with the kittens, teaching them to play on the grass, and hunt prey. He went in and out, a couple of times. It was the usual Tuesday for him. He behaved like usual. Chasing everyone who’s holding plates and bowls, sniffing around, trying to get some piece of food from the table.
A few minutes after that he threw up. No, it’s not like the usual cat’s vomit with a bit of grass and fur. It was a few pieces of meat like he had been eating something. My mom and sister think it was his food, they feed him like 1–2 hours before. My mom cleaned it up immediately before it dries up and it’ll be difficult to dispose of it. But, then he went to poop. When my sister scoop it, his poop was normal. But, she noticed there were some left on his fur. They cleaned it up together with some towels and water.
He didn’t even move. He’s a good boy, he never refuses bath time. But, this is unusual. As if he didn’t have the energy to move his body. Just in case he’ll poop or vomited again, my sister brought him inside and put him in a box, comfy enough for him to lie down. Not so long he got a seizure. My mom and sister didn’t have any idea how to help him. He’s growling like he is about to attack. My sister stepped back because he sounded so aggressive. My sister stayed to watch over him while my mom went into the living room. She can’t stand it, watching our cats in pain.
He started to calm down, my sister thought he was sleeping. Yes, because he was in a sleeping cat position. Comfy and content. She shook his body, trying to wake him up. At that moment, she realized, Ucil had fallen to eternal sleep. He crossed the rainbow bridge and they all thought he was sleeping. Because no one will notice, he looks like he’s peacefully asleep like usual. But, it was the last time we’ll see him. The last time I went home, it was the last moment I pat his head, rub his belly, annoy him, and give him a piece of my chicken thigh.
Why am I crying right now? God…
This piece is supposed to be me questioning myself “Why am I not grieving?”. Because I didn’t cry by the time I heard the news. I want to grieve, I want to mourn his death like my mom and my sister.
But, I couldn’t.
Writing really does help me to feel.
When I posted this it meant that I already have my answers. I love to postpone things including when it comes to grief and mourning. Somehow, writing helps me to connect, to realize, to embrace the feelings that I’ve been trying to ignore.
